Thursday, June 26, 2014

Why I Stopped Making "Goth" Youtube Videos

I haven't made "Goth" related youtube videos in about a year and a half now, I barely even use the words "Goth" or "Deathrock" on anything I post anymore and I am finally ready to talk about my journey with youtube and why it has led me to creating a blog. Thank you in advance for everyone who gets through this.

I started making youtube videos when I was 16 years old. In high school I was the only goth in the entire area and so people were very curious about my interests, why I looked the way I do and so forth, however kids at school were often too nervous to ask me their questions in person and so they asked via facebook. I got the idea that instead of retyping the same answers and explanations over and over again, I could make a couple youtube videos I could just link them too and bam, it's done. At the time I wasn't trying to "teach" people how to be goth, I say "teach" because that's what people have always said that I was trying to do, even though that was never the situation.

All of a sudden people were actually watching the videos, they were commenting, asking questions and looking for advice. I was amazed, but I figured hey, people actually care what I have to say! they want to see more! Why don't I just make more videos and make this a hobby? and that's exactly what I did. The most common problem people came to me with was the back lash they received from their parents, because their parents thought goth was some satanic cult, which I sympathized with because that's what my parents thought it was for a long time. I thought I could socialize people with goth, I could make people who weren't a part of it realize it wasn't evil, it wasn't a satanic cult, it wasn't a fetish thing, it was a subculture. By making these videos I felt happy because I thought I was doing good, and some would say I was, while others would say I'm a joke who did more harm than good.

I will admit, when I first started making youtube videos I thought I was well rounded in terms of the scene, I thought I knew everything you could know about it when in reality I didn't know much at all. I started youtube as a dumb kid, I will admit that until I'm blue in the face but I definitely believe I've come a long way. Of course because of this there were haters, mocking videos, there were even people who relentlessly bullied me and planned on doing anything they could to ruin my life. People are always trying to say "just ignore the haters", but everyone needs to realize it's not that simple, really, it's not. On multiple occassions I even had people claim I was a part of incidents and crimes that happened in states I had never been to with people I had never met, just to get me into trouble with the law and to pin people against me. My fun summer time hobby had become my largest source of stress, it was utterly exhausting. Everyone wants to believe that they're right, and whenever you voice your opinion or ideals they want to make sure you regret it, that's just the way the internet works.

Eventually I started losing inspiration, I had made so many videos about the same stuff over and over again, only to be asked to make the same videos over and over again and I got bored. I felt like I had expanded all I could in terms of goth and for a while chose to venture outside of that. I had turned my hobby into a job, after a year or two I finally enabled monetizing and started getting paid. Initially it was something I was against, I wasn't doing youtube because I wanted money, I was doing it because I really did want to help people, I wanted to share my own experiences in hope that it meant something to someone else, but eventually I didn't have a choice, I was beyond broke and needed money, so I set up ads.

Over the past couple years youtube has been an up hill battle in many ways, every year youtubers get paid less and less. A few years ago my boyfriend was a part of a channel with a couple other people, with about 50,000 subscribers and averaging 7,000 views a week, they were making between one to four thousand dollars a month, where as I'll get maybe a hundred dollars a month now if I'm lucky, three or four years later. With my exhaustion and stress with making goth related videos increasing, I began to try and expand myself and my interests for the better. I wanted to do product reviews, giveaways, talk about makeup and fashion I'm into in general not just goth, but by that point I had already been doing youtube nearly three years and I had lost my novelty. Google was forcing Google+ onto people, they were making it harder to comment or do anything on youtube, you even have to pay to advertize now, which you didn't have to do just a couple years ago. Facebook also started making changes to "Pages" and now only 1/4 or so of my likers see my post and if I want more people to see them I have to pay to boost the post. You have to put so much into it just to get anything out, it's expensive and exhausting and to be honest, not so worth it anymore. I lost my way after a while, I got into a slump that I'm still in, after months of trying to break it.

After taking a break from being a goth youtuber, and even the scene in real life for a couple months due to some serious personal problems regarding my last relationship, some drama I was dealing with and even having a bit of an identity crisis, I missed this. The scene has always meant the world to me, all I ever wanted to do was bring positivity into it, to share it with people who were interested in learning, to just being a part of it and enjoying every minute of it. But it got hard being vilified, it got hard being harassed, it got hard being told I'm a joke and that I'm what's wrong with the scene, it felt like something I had loved so much had turned it's back on me, and I needed time to myself. But now I won't be going back into this blindly, I know now what I will be facing, I know now the drama, the hate and I have much more strength and under standing. Above all I'm more mature, I'm not a dumb kid blasting on youtube like my words have no meaning anymore, to some extent I am grateful for the hate I got, because it made me grow up. It made me see I was an immature little brat who thought more than they really did, and now I have a much better understanding of the scene, and of myself.

I'm starting this blog because I want a place to focus my interest in Goth and Deathrock, I wanted to have this as a resource for people, and give it the same reason for existing as my channel once had, to share my experience and to be there for people who share my interests. I know that no matter what the hate will not stop, it's the internet, there's no running from it, after nearly two years, I just needed time to collect myself again, and rise from the ashes. This is important to me, and something I take a lot of pride and interest in, but I don't want to make videos about it anymore. I know for a lot of people listening to me talk is a lot easier than reading what I have to say, but while having a job and three majors in college, a blog is definitely the better way to go. Here I will be posting as frequent as possible, typing my thoughts as I go along, in between classes or on my breaks at work, not having to worry about getting dressed up and sitting in front of a camera after a long and exhausting day. I will continue to make videos, but right now I am figuring out what youtube has in store for me, and will need to fill you guys in on that in the future.

All I have to say is thank you for everyone who has stayed by my side, who continue to see me as a source of value and who give me your love and support. I have come a long way in so many ways, and I am so very grateful. I hope that you guys love this blog and that it helps you in any way, if you have any questions, comments, or topics you would like me to make blog posts about, contact me anywhere and I will do my best to make it happen. Please keep in mind this is my blog, with my personal opinions, interests and thoughts. You are more than welcome to disagree with what I have to say, and if I say anything that is not FACTUALLY correct, all you have to do is kindly inform me and I will have no problem fixing it. All I ask is please do not be negative here, we are all on a journey in our own lives and in the subculture, there is no need to be rude or hateful. Thank you <3


  1. Gday - I was reading through your blog and I thought this really deserves some acknowledgment. I remember I was in High School when I first saw your videos. I really enjoyed them, and still do. It really is and was heartbreaking when I use to see people bulling you and saying you are the problem with the culture or would put you down because their beliefs of the Goth culture were different to yours etc. I would attempt to try and defend you - unfortunately, very little can be accomplished via the internet and when dealing with horrible people like that.
    I salute you for still being who you are inside and out. The fact you have had to deal with so much bullying and harassment and are still you, makes you a very strong woman. Be proud of that. Never loose who you are.
    I always enjoyed watching your videos because you came across as shy but very confident in who you are. You came across as a happy person dispute the rubbish people threw at you. You are perfect!
    Look after yourself and I hope to continue seeing you around on the world wide web!
    Much love from Australia!
    Ash xx

  2. Beautifully said... I'm glad to see you expressing yourself through your interests again!

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  4. (sorry had to edit some) Reading about how you love the scene makes my chest so warm. I know the feeling. I'm glad you've become a little more stronger, almost everyone have that phase when we're questioning if the path we've chosen is right for us. Society is often the reason why people doubt; an example is how my little sister and mother keeps telling me that I'll be growing out of the goth scene sooner or later but for me it's my lifestyle. And I am saying this a grown, 22 year old woman; they don't understand how I feel about this subculture, this lifestyle. It was all I ever wanted for years.

  5. I loved your videos! Some of them were really funny and I enjoyed the crap out of them. I'm glad to see you being active again and I look forward to what you'll be doing next! Just remember to take it easy, because even blogging on a consistent basis can feel like a job.

  6. I remember watching your videos since 2012; I wasn't and am not goth, but I liked your attitude and style. I can see how your YouTube channel has changed, but change can be a good thing and I'm glad that you've been able to pick yourself up. From one blogger (& vegetarian) to another, I hope you enjoy the blogging world! :)